The house is quiet.
Laundry folded and waiting on the living room floor,
open window sharing the cooling air and a little bit of streetlight.
I am willing my mind to be quiet
but on it hums.

Only Tuesday, and it's already been a week.
A week of practices and whining and groceries.
Online drama and friends that feel too far away
to hug and reassure.
Midterms done, count-down to the end in progress and a kiddo
who, despite having my heart for three years,
is still giving up on herself.
And I can't change any of it.

Sometimes, in the glare of the afternoon,
it paralyzes me.
Stuck.
Unable to go out and plant the tomatoes
read another story
plan an art project.
And I'm not who I want to be.

But in the quiet dark,
I come around.
Gather the dishes, sweep the floor, find the playdough recipe.
Imagine that tomorrow just may be the day we get it all done.
Find my way back
to me

Mother's Day...

I'm a simple girl.  It doesn't take along to make me happy.  But yesterday certainly exceeded all of my expectations with it's perfect simplicity.

After the boys' faith formation class and a trip to the gym for me (See? I must be loving it when I don't use Mother's Day as an excuse to get out of exercising)., we came home and packed a picnic.  We gathered all of our sand toys, sunscreen, and a blanket and headed for one of my favorite local spots.  Usually Mother's Day is rainy - and if not rainy, then cool and cloudy.  But this year?  The perfect sunny day and a high in the 80's.  So we headed down to the river.

For a couple hours, we read, played, build sand castles, and threw rocks into the water.  We enjoyed our picnic, and watched eagles soar overhead.  I was in heaven.

After we'd had our fair share of sunshine, we headed home where we got ready for our guests - my mother and father-in-law.  We grilled burgers and shared the evening together.  The boys entertained us with stories and songs, and we indulged in yummy brownies and ice cream.

And gifts?  I was so very fortunate - the boys picked out some beautiful earrings and a butterfly wing necklace that are just my style.  And from Dan?  Tile for the bathroom floor that I have wanted to re-do since we moved in. I couldn't be luckier.

It doesn't have to be fancy.  Or complicated.  Some sun, some water, some comfort food, and lots of love.

It was a perfect Mother's Day.

habits...

I am a person of habit.  I love routines and rhythms to my days, and thrive on knowing what is to come. Once something is part of my daily routine, it usually stays there for quite a while.  But if it falls out, then fitting it back in is a challenge.

That's where I've been with blogging lately.  It just fell out of my daily habit, and when I don't write regularly, I feel like I have nothing to say.  It's that unused muscle that atrophies.  And even though I miss writing, re-starting is difficult.

But there's another habit that has taken a spot in my days that I'm pretty excited about - exercise. Over the last two-three years I have flirted with running, doing the C25K program and using our treadmill.  But no matter how long I've been running, I still don't really enjoy it.  I enjoy being done with my run, but not the running itself. And I dread lacing up.

To put it mildly, it's tough for me to be consistent with running.

So, in January I joined a gym.  I hoped that adding variety to my workouts would help my motivation. And my budget is tight enough that I am not willing to spend money on something I don't use, so the financial push is there, too. On the advice of friends on facebook, I chose the one closest to my house that had what I was looking for: a lap pool (saltwater), classes at times I can attend, and childcare.

Since joining, being at the gym has become a habit. I'm there 5-6 days a week.  Three Zumba classes for cardio, two or three strength training days, and maybe a swim or run thrown in there for good measure. Some days it's right before dinner, others it's after the boys go to bed. It's just part of my day now. 

Having a routine with exercise has made a huge difference for me.  It's the first time in my life I have exercised consistently for 4 months straight. I don't have to think about what I am going to do or how I am going to avoid it - and I miss it on my rest days. The employees at the gym even know my name before they check me in. That's a real first.

(All of this isn't to say that things are perfect.  My yearly goal of getting "lighter" isn't happening, despite all the exercise and fairly strict meal plans.  But I am starting to build muscle tone and have lost a couple of inches. And I'm using this as my chance to learn patience.)

I hope to return to a habit of blogging.  But know if I'm not here, it may be because I'm at the gym.